The case of Santi Millán and everything that is wrong about monogamy and paternalism towards women

'Friend, realize' is the expression that, between Instagram posts and memes, has become popular in recent years to talk, above all, about toxic behavior within relationships. The 'friend, realize' would be a call for women to become aware of situations that harm them and that they may be justifying or not seeing. The dissemination of a sexual video without the consent of its participants has been in the news again these days, although in this case the protagonist was a man, the actor Santi Millán, along with an unknown woman. However, the conversation quickly took a turn and focused on Millán's wife, television director Rosa Olucha. Memes, jokes and many 'friend, realize' to pity Olucha, to position her in the place of her victim and to warn her that this was not right.

Rosa Olucha's reaction has demolished all those reactions. Her words, written on her Instagram profile, are a warning of the extent to which that 'friend, realize' and all the assumptions that surround these types of statements can be loaded with machismo and paternalism, with prejudices about what a relationship should being and about the place that, apparently necessarily, we women occupy in them

“To all of you who ask me 'how are you' or say things like 'I'm sorry, you have my full support', I tell you: Well, I'm fine. You should ask how he is. He is the one who has suffered an attack on his privacy, which, by the way, is a crime. YOUR privacy of him. YOURS and no one else's. You don't have to feel sorry or support anyone. I am not a victim and there are no sides or properties here. Neither he is mine nor I am his. For those of you who don't know (and I'm sorry), there are many types of families. In ours, freedom, respect and tolerance are the pillars on which we have built this project (...) It makes me very lazy to see that at this point, consensual and private sex continues to cause scandals. Yes, gentlemen, people fuck! Inside and outside the couple. And it makes me almost lazier than when it is made public, most take pity on women with the classic 'poor little thing who didn't know' or 'what an idiot who allowed it'. Catholic and patriarchal society shit.” Santi Millán left him a heart in the comments of his publication.

For those who rushed to lament, pity or laugh at Olucha, she is necessarily the victim, the woman to whom condolences are offered, the couple who does not decide, knows or consents, a poor thing. The director's reaction makes it clear that to take for granted the type of relationship, values ​​and norms that a couple has is to prejudge a private agreement that no one else has to care about and that can have rules of all kinds.

The first assumption is that a couple is monogamous to begin with. "Also the presumption of property in couples," adds the sex popularizer Sandra Bravo, author of All That I Don't Know How to Explain to My Mother. (Poly)love, sex and feminism. “Also the victimization of women; it seems that you can only be a cuckold and a fool who doesn't find out, and that the clever one is her husband. It is a very marked account of how a long-term couple is supposed to be, that their sexual life will not give more of itself, that the escape route is the cuckolds and of course the cuckolds are put by them because it seems that we never think in sex... In this society, if you don't come out of the closet, people take for granted that you're heterosexual and monogamous, it's a bit sad that we have to over-explain ourselves so that we're not read in a way that we're not," she explains. Bravo.

The headlines that speak of Rosa Olucha “breaking her silence” underline the idea that she is the one who has something to say because a pact has been broken. Sandra Bravo criticizes the "simplistic mentality" that means that "instead of thinking that they still have an open relationship or that they share other things" we tend to take for granted, not only the type of relationship that these two people have, but also how it should be. feel like a woman about it. Has it crossed anyone's mind that even recording herself with other people is part of her shared sexual life?

The writer, artist and activist on sexuality and feminism María Llopis also criticizes the fact that it is always taken for granted that a relationship is necessarily monogamous. “And even if it wasn't, condolences to her would also not proceed because it is he who has seen her intimacy exposed in her networks, not her. No one knows what she may or may not be doing, it's the traditional 'cheating' discourse”. Llopis considers it very significant that her attention has been focused on her and not on him, "who is the one who appears having sex." Bravo also highlights that, before thinking about Millán or the woman who appears with him in the video, even before focusing the speech on the fact that a crime has been committed with the broadcast of the video, who is being talked about is the couple of the.

“We don't even know what's going on with him; This idea is reproduced that in relationships they are the bad guys and we are the good ones who put up with how they are and what they do. We seem like angelic beings, without sexuality, without desire and without a brain, regardless of whether we get a good man or not. Women are sexual beings, sovereigns of our bodies and we make decisions”, affirms María Llopis. That she is the one who has been seen in the commitment to speak out publicly in this regard reinforces the idea that, in some way, the honor of a relationship falls on us. That traditional discourse, continues Llopis, insists "on wanting to continually victimize women": "There is an obsession with putting ourselves in the place of the victim."

So friend, realize: there are many ways to understand, build and live relationships, and always placing women as victims, ignorant and poor things does not exactly help to break the usual schemes.

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