"I was getting very aggressive but now I have realized the importance of wanting well, of not being toxic and not letting toxic people around you."
He tells it to Efe Sara (fictitious name), a 22-year-old girl who has been participating in the Living Project of the Amigó Foundation for three years after they realized at home that they needed external help due to the situation in the familiar surroundings.
The conflicts that these days of confinement by COVID-19 can arise within a family can be increased, especially in cases where there has already been an episode of filioparental violence.
To avoid this, precisely the Amigó Foundation, an expert in these issues, has launched a series of guidelines that make coexistence more bearable and live it as learning.
"This is not the time to solve what was not solved. Do not try to make others do things that they did not do before. Each person in the family is responsible for their study and work time, and for taking advantage of it. you are doing and not supervising the rest. The moments of interaction should be positive, otherwise it is better to limit them. "
These are some of the councils' guides that, under the name "Families in Action", have been published by the aforementioned foundation so that family crises do not appear after so many days of confinement.
"If our son gets angry and starts to show irritation for not having his way, we can ignore the irritation behavior, for example, if he is yelling or threatening us, pouting or making a bad gesture, we can ignore his words and gestures for as long as you do it and keep doing other things. "
And avoid confrontation or fighting: "when a serious conflict situation occurs, stay calm, stay away from the person who shows uncontrolled anger, rage or disproportionate anger, staying firm in the consequences and instructions."
Sara is the daughter of separated parents, she admits that from a young age the relationship with her father was "a little bad" and with her mother "better", but that as she grew older "the situation was complicated".
In her case, it was her mother who decided to ask for support to change the situation and Sara accepted and does not regret it because her relationship with her mother is now "excellent" and her father's "has improved a lot".
"If I compare myself to the Sara from two years ago, I have grown, matured" and gone "through an evolution, a transformation," he concludes.
Talking about child abuse towards parents is not a new but not an old matter, since it was not until around 2003 when it stopped being considered only as something related to drug addiction or sociopathological problems, says the president of the Spanish Society for the Study of Filioparental Violence (Sevifip), Roberto Pereira.
He emphasizes that the band between 13 and 16 years old or 14 and 17 years old is when there is the highest incidence and that the reasons are different.
OVERPROTECTION, A DISEASE
Are parents badly educated or is it something caused by society? Pereira believes that it is "difficult to separate it" because families live in a certain society that conditions their way of acting and many parents now feel "hypervigilated".
Also "overprotection" of children is a disease of our time that generates difficulties for children to cope and then blame parents for it, "sometimes in an excessively violent way," he argues.
Pereira distinguishes other risk factors for the abuse of parents: social mistrust of the work of the parents, impairment of their authority, single-parent families, families with loyalties divided between biological and adoptive parents.
Paula Rocamora, a psychologist from the Fundación Amigó in the Conviviendo Project, agrees, who believes that there are several factors "so that family relationships are vulnerable to violent episodes."
"It does not take place suddenly, but forms part of a continuum - great disgrace, disobedience, inappropriate responses- that generally increases in the form of escalation until, finally, it triggers aggressive behaviors that cause both physical and emotional damage. "he stresses.
Another risk factor is the child's temperament, which we understand as character, his innate behavioral style, biologically inherited, which will largely determine his future behavior, says Rocamora.
And children with "a difficult temperament, that is, more restless, impulsive or crying, when they reach their adolescent stage," he continues, "are more likely to develop disruptive behaviors if not managed properly."
Another influential social factor is the adolescent's exposure to violence in the family on an ongoing basis.
Filioparental violence can occur in any socioeconomic type of family and that has created "great social alarm", emphasizes Roberto Pereira.
But what is clear is that "there is no difference between boys and girls when it comes to exercising violence"; they use verbal violence more and they use physical violence, but it is "equalizing".
A study by the Athena Foundation recently warned that mothers battered by their children triple the parents who suffer this same type of violence.
Something that Pereira attributes to the fact that the role of the mother continues to be that of being closer to the education of the children and "is more opposed to them doing their holy will."
Displants, disqualifying attitudes and verbal insults can give way to physical attacks and, when they come, "parents have a hard time denouncing because of shame and because they experience it as a failure in their educational work," says Pereira.
According to the memory of the State Attorney General, the number of procedures initiated by this criminal modality increases again. If in 2015 there were 4,898 causes, in 2016 it fell to 4,355 but in 2017 its figure stands at 4,665.
Pilar Rodríguez Veiga