Begoa Ibarrola: "One of the fundamental tasks of education is preparing children for life, helping them to accept death" - La Provincia

Begoña Ibarrola it is psychologist and author of children's stories like "Tales to feel", "Tales to educate happy children" and "Tales to discover intelligences". We have spoken with her about the importance of good emotional management during confinement, both for ourselves and for our children. But also on other topics that especially concern us, such as the search for happiness, how to cope with the death of a loved one or how to educate in resilience to avoid the consequences that may be derived from the current situation.

Begoña, in recent weeks both we and our children have experienced a large number of emotions, the vast majority of them related to anxiety, fear, uncertainty ... How important is emotional intelligence at the moment?
It is precisely in these situations that certain emotional skills such as emotional awareness, self-control, empathy, resilience, etc. are valued the most, but they are skills that are not improvised, but must be developed from a young age and trained every day. , now we have many opportunities to do it. As emotional education is a nonspecific primary prevention factor, emotional intelligence currently serves as a shield to fear, stress, depression or anxiety, not denying or censuring the emotions we feel, they are normal and varied, but knowing how to face them and how to get out of them.

As we teach our children to manage their emotional world, we are giving them resources and strategies to know what they can do when they feel angry or sad or afraid, what potential does that sadness, fear or anger have, what messages do they want from us give those emotions, but also how to help them manage those emotions, which are legitimate but must learn to manage.

The main emotional lessons are given through the example: awareness of emotions, self-control, optimism, resilience, empathy, solidarity, etc ... can be learned, now as a family. I am quite sure that children who have received emotional education and adults who have been engaged in developing their emotional intelligence are now considered privileged, because they have tools to cope with the difficulties and difficult challenges we face.

How can we best manage all these emotions and help our children manage theirs? A very complicated challenge, especially considering that we ourselves do not know very well how to face everything that is happening ...
We must bear in mind that strength in the face of adversity is a trait of the human personality and therefore it is good to recognize that we adults and our children can emerge stronger from this situation if we help them. First, you have to accept the emotions, give them a name, understand them, know their cause, then invite them to leave if it doesn't help us feel good. We have to accept, and this is obligatory at the moment, that the human being cannot control everything, that there are things that have no choice but to accept. The acceptance of the situation, which is not resignation, implies using an internal language that allows me to navigate in the midst of turbulent seas, messages that help adults and children to have confidence that the problems are going to be overcome, we are going to get out of this situation, but not when we want or in the way we want, but following the guidelines of people who know how to cope with a pandemic.

Children must know what is happening, you have to tell them things clearly, but always taking into account their age or maturity, well with a story about a bad bug that wants to enter our body, in our house and make us sick and at the that we can fight, or if they are a little older, from 6 years old, giving them realistic explanations that understand the gravity of what is happening, although they should always feel safe. We must explain to them that if we follow the recommendations that set us, that is the objective, that we remain healthy, that we cannot infect anyone. There is no use hiding what is happening, but also giving information that you will not understand.

Managing emotions is easier when in the family environment there is respect for each family member, children feel unconditionally safe and loved, if there is careful listening by adults, but also clear limits and rules, comfort, support and empathy.

There is no doubt that this situation challenges us all, adolescent adults and children. We cannot shield our children, nor should we feel guilty if moments of irritability appear or we lose our nerves, asking for forgiveness is part of a good family life. We can only give them tools to cope with difficulties and help them to trust their own internal resources, resources such as humor, optimism, hope, creativity, etc ... that can be developed as emotional antidotes to virus.

There is an aspiration that probably all mothers and fathers share, and that is that our children be happy, but can you always be happy, regardless of the circumstances of life? Can we teach our children to be happy?
Yes of course. Attitudes that enhance happiness can be developed because this is a personal construction. I can do a lot of my part to enhance that. First, by changing negative attitudes that do not focus on optimism. There are several keys that can contribute to happiness, but personal attitudes are very important. For example, setting goals and illusions in life, but that are realistic, is something that enhances happiness and well-being.

Another element that enhances happiness is having a social network of friends with whom you can converse, contribute and show affection, even if it is distance. Another question is using hobbies, spending time for oneself and activities that help us to be well. There are very important preventive elements such as developing relaxation techniques or stress management. Singing, dancing, exercising enhances well-being ... and, above all, there is the optimistic attitude, focusing more attention on the positive things of each day, without denying the negative ones. This quarantine situation also has its positive side and it is good to find it. It is what is called realistic, intelligent optimism. That vision that there is still half the water in the bottle, that many people are recovering from the disease, many people are being supportive, you can get out of all difficult situations, etc ...

The main obstacle we find when it comes to improving our well-being and enhancing happiness are beliefs about what really helps us to be happy or not. Some have the false idea that happiness can be achieved outside, through having, and they are realizing that happiness is within, that it has more to do with being and managing emotions, with being able to generate positive emotions, both in ourselves and in the people around us, with having a mission and purpose in life.

There are a number of proposals, already investigated, that contribute significantly to personal well-being, and that are capable of being learned. Being well is an obligation if we want to be happy, but sometimes our mind is usually more focused on the negative that happens to us than on the positive, it is natural, we must know that our brain is more focused on negative experiences and emotions than on positive because it is programmed for survival, not happiness. That is why daily life must become the scene of continuous learning, not without difficult moments, difficulties like those we are experiencing these days, but most appropriate for learning happiness. We can choose to learn to be happy and we can also teach our children to find true happiness, cultivating their own well-being and, as in all learning, there must be perseverance, focus and motivation.

We know that there are no positive or negative emotions, that it is important to allow ourselves (and allow our children) to experience them all and legitimize them. For example, it would be normal at this time for our children to feel sad or anxious. However, it is one thing to legitimize them and another is to get stuck in those emotions. How can we avoid this, both in ourselves and in our children?
The emotional upset that takes the form of fear, anxiety, irritability, worry, anger, etc ... is natural given the unexpected and anomalous situation in which we find ourselves. First, we must legitimize all the emotions that appear, both in adults and in children, but legitimizing them does not imply becoming slaves to them. Only a good emotional management allows us to understand the information that each one provides us, but also not pay it or make us kidnap through ruminant thoughts, but be able to get out of them and generate positive emotions that enhance well-being, in the midst of this situation.

It is common to hear complaints from parents about the little time they have to spend with their children, and now is a very suitable time, because we are spending a lot of time with them, to give lessons in emotional education. However, in this forced confinement, more than one confesses to being overworked and looking forward to their return to school. It is normal, it is one thing to spend more time with your children, but also to attend to other facets of your life, and quite another to have to combine teleworking, daily household chores with 24-hour childcare. This situation can emotionally overwhelm everyone, parents and children, and requires a lot of patience, emotional control and empathy.

There are many methods that we can use, the first is to change the focus of attention. If we are angry because we cannot go out, instead of going around the subject, a strategy is to divert attention and put it into activities, either forced, or of our choice, such as reading, listening to music, playing, singing or dancing etc ... that's why organizing different times and schedules during the day is a way to calm the mind and get out of chaos. Another strategy is to learn some simple relaxation technique, something as easy as breathing deeply and slowly, helps us to emotional control. Find moments of solitude, places where adults and children can calm down, a corner of calm at home, a tent, a secret place, etc ... where you can recover after an emotional explosion or where you can go to avoid it.

Sharing emotions as a family can make a difference in how quarantine is lived. Let's take advantage of this opportunity that life gives us to strengthen ties, share experiences, get to know each other better, feel like a team. When we talk about these days in a few years, what moments will we remember? Emotions are the glue of memories, it is good to keep it in mind.

Many families will suffer closely one of the worst consequences of this situation: the loss of a loved one, aggravated by not being able to be by their side or say goodbye. What advice do you give us to cope with this if we find ourselves in this situation?
Throughout life and inevitably the human being encounters situations of loss, either due to the death of a loved one, a pet, etc ... Issues such as death and abandonment can cause much suffering and bewilderment in those people who have hidden this hardest aspect of life, making them believe in an existence full of happiness and continuous satisfaction.

For this reason, teaching a child to live is not only showing him the good and pleasant things in life, but also helping him to understand that there is suffering and pain in it, but that he can and must share it with the loved ones who have his around. If we prepare children well to face these situations and the feelings they provoke, they will know how to handle them better when they appear and they will have internal resources to face them.

Death is the other side of the coin of life. Everything that has life can die, and that is something that we must teach children from a very young age so that they see it as a natural process. There are other aspects more related to what happens after death that allows us to enter the world of beliefs, which are very different from one religion to another, from one family to another.

One of my publications is titled "Tales for Goodbye"; It contains 30 stories divided into three chapters dealing with death, abandonment and the different beliefs in the afterlife. I wrote it many years ago and at the request of parents and educators, because many adults fear or feel insecure about this topic. The story can be a good resource to broach the subject with the children. Children are generally afraid to speak of death and this is a mistake.

On the other hand, if a child is experiencing this situation because a death has occurred in their closest environment, it is important to know the idea of ​​death. Such a notion can vary, depending on the baggage of your experiences and the evolutionary moment in which you are. Children under the age of five generally have a fairly crude conception of death. They describe it as a long dream, a trip or another way of living. For them it is a temporary and reversible phenomenon, but, from that age, they begin to discover that death implies a fundamental change and they feel that their confidence in an environment that should provide security and protection is shaking. Still, they associate death with disease and old age, and sometimes with violent events or accidents. However, it is from the age of six or seven, when they are already able to understand that the person disappears forever, that death is a definitive, irreversible and universal fact that affects both adults and children.

Children have to see this process naturally and parents should learn to discuss with their children in a simple way this topic that sometimes worries them so much. I know that my stories are helping many parents and educators and that makes me very happy. In these moments where the death toll is open to newscasts, it is more important than ever to speak about it, accompany them in sadness if they know of someone who is sick or who has died, a family member or friend, accept the mourning process, protect them from this feeling of vulnerability that is natural, but, above all, allow them to feel sadness, cry, without wanting to leave it prematurely. And allow ourselves as adults, express it also before them and share those difficult moments.

Children who are going through grief can express their grief through crying and sadness, but their grief can also be manifested through anger, anxiety or restlessness. The important thing is to be alert to what is happening to you, encouraging them to express what they feel. If they perceive that their feelings are accepted by their family, they will express them more easily, and this will help them to live the separation more adequately. Phrases like: "Do not cry", "Do not be sad", "You have to be brave", "It is not okay to be angry like this", etc ... can cut the free expression of emotions and prevent the child from venting, causing a emotional suppression that almost always has negative consequences.

Protecting children excessively from reality only makes fragile people grow, who, at the slightest difficulty, pain or setback, fall apart, that's why I think that one of the fundamental tasks of education is preparing children for life. , helping them to accept death.

We are very concerned about the psychological consequences that can result from this situation, how can we prepare and help our children to avoid, as far as possible, that this has long-term consequences?
Children need to play, move, run, interact with other children and with nature, and curiously, from the first moment of quarantine, the needs of dogs were taken into account before those of children. They should be able to go out and play, run, even if it is a delimited and protected space, and for a limited time, but home confinement requires a special ability of parents to organize their time, give them different entertainment options, help them to be responsible with homework etc ...

Logically, depending on the environment in which the children live and the way their family has to deal with this quarantine, the consequences will be very different, even psychological sequelae may not occur, although inactivity can take its toll on a physical level. It is possible that family ties are strengthened, they get to know each other better, they discover hobbies, they tell secrets, they share fun experiences, they share household chores, etc ... or it could be the opposite, that there are tensions, that do not look for moments to talk and share, that all the grudges stored come out, that the emotional upset spreads among all the members of the family and causes a difficult coexistence ... it depends on each family, but above all it depends on the parents and mothers, how adults react in this unknown situation and for which we have no memory-based resources.

If they see a lot of fear around them, they can feel it too, if there is someone sick or deceased in their family, they will feel, naturally, the sadness and bitterness of their relatives, who also cannot say goodbye to the loved one, and will need mourning, as a natural process. If you are in a very stressful environment, anxiety and stress may appear. What is clear is that all human beings can be resilient, and in the development of this capacity, families can help their children a lot with their example.